This year, I went to three youth ministry conventions.  The Simply Youth Ministry Conference in Chicago and the two National Youth Workers Conventions in San Diego and Nashville.  At all three I had an official role, to care for youth workers.  At Simply I was part of what is now being called The Shelter and at YS, I was one of three convention pastors.

I would meet with youth workers who wanted to share their story in a safe place. These were typically triage sessions and I was the spiritual EMT. Everyone who I met with was hurting at some level.  The experiences varied from slight tension, deep frustration, emotional hurt or bleeding because of the history of being beat up by their church or ministry and more serious issues from their past.

My role was to listen and help them discover what God has already been doing in their lives, what God could be teaching them and discern their potential next steps.  It was humbling to have people find me before the convention ended and thank me.

I shared with friends that the whole experience was a living expression of 2 Cor 1:3-4:  Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.

This is an aspect of my role with the National Network of Youth Ministries, to nurture and care for youth workers.  We all need to be encouraged and pastored but the need would be less for the professional youth workers, if every church committed to the principles of We Love Our Youth Worker & they worked on having a Five Star Fit. (I included a link to my article  because I’d guess 60% of the people I met with were dealing with one or more of those five areas.)

YM Shorts, the new interactive digital magazine from Wild Frontier and X3 Publications debuted last month. In the first 30 days more than 5,200 youth workers from 16 different countries clicked, read, watched, shared and printed the inaugural issue.

If you’ve not seen YM Shorts yet we invite you to surf over to www.WildFrontier.org and have a look. YM Shorts is free and can be viewed by anyone with an internet connection. There’s is no signup or login necessary.

Brenda pretty much rocks and this is a great, great free resource for youth workers. I hope you view it, contribute to it and share it with other youth workers.

A good bit of what I do for the National Network is relational, slow and behind the scenes. I thought I would give you a peek into how I am currently helping a couple of great youth workers.  Details have been changed but here is a portion of what I wrote recently:

Here are a few initial thoughts from the interactions I have had with each of you,  just so we are on the same page as we go forward.

1. We all want unity in your city and beyond.
2. We are all broken people and have our own share of issues and baggage regardless of how well we hide it.
3. We want God to be glorified in our lives, our ministries and in our relationships to each other and by resolving this situation.
4. We tend to hear what we want to hear and have our own true and false perceptions of reality.
5. We believe we are called to where God has us.
6. We know we can be wrong but odds are we are right. (Thank you pride for being the root of all sin)
7. We need to grow in our humility. If you just thought you didn’t, you definitely do!

These are a few of the foundational thoughts I have as we begin the process of reconciliation.

Here are the things I need agreement on before we go forward.

1. I will serve as the mediator in this process.
2. We will each pray through this process and praying, *Jesus, show them how they are wrong*, does not count.
3. If you disagree with any of the 7 previous things listed you will disclose that.
4. We will use Matthew 18:15-17 as our guide though this process.

“If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses. ‘If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

I am honored to serve you in this way and look forward to what God will do with you in your city and beyond.

Keep Lovin’ Jesus,

Len

~~~~~~

Reconciliation is a beautiful process but it can be painful.  The reward is worth the risk.  If you would, pray for us through this process as we seek to glorify God and bring greater unity in reaching students for Jesus.

In case you do know this, Peacemaker Ministries is a wonderful group that has great and needed resources to help believers and churches have a biblical approach to conflict.

I just read the Nov/Dec issue of Group and found what I wrote for the TOOLS section. It is an honor to get to write about Networking for Rick knowing that it gets to resource youth workers across the country and around the world. Here it is for you:

There is a guaranteed way to come away frustrated from your attempts to partner with other youth ministries in your area: sign on with them and hope they will meet your needs and are there to serve you.  If you enter into this adventure, instead with the  goal of serving  other youth workers and helping them  succeed, you will never run out people to serve. When you are a blessing to others you experience  a great blessing yourself. Adopt another youth worker and commit to pray for that person for  a month. At the end of the  month take him out for coffee and let him know you have been praying for his ministry.  Share anything that you have sensed on his behalf as you have prayed.  That is a blessing that any of us would love.

1. September was the 1st Anniversary of working with the NNYM.

Thank you for all of your prayers and encouragement over this last year.  It has been just like starting a business with all the joys and stresses but we are pressing on believing that God is with us and for as  we help youth workers and churches reach more students.

2. I will be a pastor at the National Youth Worker Conventions. Oct. 1-4 & Nov. 19-22.

I have eleven appointment times available to meet with youth workers, per day for three days. Since there will be around 2,000 youth workers there, it is likely that each day will be full. Pray for these appointments and youth workers.

I share that attending these conventions is like playing hide and seek with Jesus because I never know how God will use a connection to advance his work. Pray for renewed friendships and new friendships that will serve his purposes.

3. This week a supporter informed me that they wanted to double their monthly support, which was already sizeable. Everyone can’t double their support but perhaps it can be increased by $5, $10 or $20 a month.

This is a another example of God surprising us, as we continue to establish the stable support needed. Pray for other surprises to happen by the end of the year.

4. Please begin praying about potential support.

If everyone who cared about this ministry gave a little (even $20 a month) we would be fully funded and greater things could happen. I know everyone can not give financially at this time but I also know that more people can and want to. Perhaps, you are one of those people.

5. The big goal for 2010 is to find 9 area champions for the sectons of the 2 states.

I am happy to share that, as of now, I have found 7 area champions, Metro champions for Dallas. San Antonio, and Albuquerque in addition to 3 people who are willing to be area champions in CO, AR and LA when my responsibility expands. These people are the strategic and relational foundation that will enable us to help churches and youth workers across TX & NM.

The phrase “It wasn’t a good fit” is often used to explain transitioning and turnovers between ministries and ministers. It’s an ambiguous phrase but it speaks volumes.  I’ve always wanted to establish a long-term ministry at one church and yet I’m serving my third church in nine years.  I learned through the transitions the importance of finding the mystical “good fit”. A good number of hurts that require healing can be avoided if you know which fits to look for.

1. Theological Fit: This should be obvious but too many youth workers who grew up Baptist wonder why they have a difficult time in a mainline church, or the other way around. Unless you plant your own church there will rarely be a 100% theological match so know your theological non-negotiables.

I had a perfect fit theologically at my first church because the entire pastoral staff went to the same seminary. The differences do make a difference. Just because you are able to get along with someone that holds different theological views doesn’t mean that you can serve in the same church with them. I have a lot of friends from the entire spectrum of Christianity, we can pray together and I know they loved Jesus but I would never be able to work in some of their churches. It’s a matter of conviction and integrity.

2. Philosophical Fit: You and the church may value evangelism but if you don’t agree on how to do evangelism eventually you will have conflict.  If one person in your church wants to hand out Chick tracts to anyone and everyone and another person wants to have a holistic approach to reaching their friends, there will be a conflict when they discuss evangelism.  If the church defines youth worker as events coordinator and you think of yourself as a pastor who is about equipping others for ministry, there will be problems eventually.

3. Personal Fit: This applies primarily to the working and personal relationship with the senior pastor, although it also impacts other church leadership and personal interactions.  A friend of mine spoke to almost 400 senior pastors at the ’96 National Clergy Conference in Atlanta. He asked “Who’s really close to their youth pastor”?  Only one pastor slowly raised his hand.  Everyone in a church setting should do what they can to ensure that more hands are raised at the next Pastor’s Conference when that question is asked.

4. Vocational Fit: Does the job description really fit who you’re wired to be?  “Youth Pastor” can mean nursery through College at different churches. Make sure your church’s job description reflects your passion, your abilities and your calling.

The first question you should ask is “Can I do the job as it’s described?” The more important question to ask is, “Do I want to do the job as it’s described”? There will always be part of work that are not enjoyed but hopefully the majority of what the job description requires is what you are able to do naturally and with skill.

5. Cultural Fit: This applies to regional, socio-economic, education and more. My wife and I grew up in Alabama but we loved our time in New England. We were accepted and if you know any New Englander’s you know being accepted is a big deal. This is not a right or wrong issue but just a matter of personal preferences and deciding what you are able to live with because you will not change the culture of where you are living.

These Five Areas are not the only areas to consider but I believe they are the five key areas.  One of the hardest things about the interview process is it involves people.  I don’t believe that youth pastors or search committees ever mean to mislead one another just so they can find someone but I do think the problems come to the surface after they begin their working relationship because they don’t know themselves well. So people articulate the proper phrase but they may not have the actual values that put the words into action.

I know of a church that was 95% finished with the interview process and about to offer the package to a youth pastor when someone on the committee asked, “What’s your view of premarital sex?”  he said, “It’s okay, if you’re in love.”  They all laughed but he didn’t.  He meant it, needless to say, he wasn’t hired.

Most of us have been in situations where we didn’t have all of these and probably very few of us have all five so I’m not saying “Unless you have these you won’t have an effective ministry” but I am saying, “The closer your fit in each area the better chance you’ll have at having an effective and long-term ministry.”

This first appeared in Youthworker Journal in 2002 or so, this is an expanded version of that sidebar.

I toyed with the idea of writing this anonymously because I was scared that it would come across bitter and angry since…well, I’m probably bitter and angry.

David wrote about walking through the valley of the shadow of death; well, this past year it seems like we’ve been camping out in the valley of the shadow of death—and the dangers, toils, and snares have come courtesy of some Christians and some churches.

I’ve never served in a true mega-church (2000 on a Sunday) or had 200 active students every week, but I’ve been fortunate and able to do some pretty cool things in youth ministry land. I graduated from a great seminary, pastored thriving youth ministries, spoke at national youth worker conventions, and wrote lots of articles and curriculum—even a recent book.

Despite all these accolades and appearances of success, it’s been a rough haul recently. So I thought I’d share some of my recent journey with all of its fear, doubt, and messiness, written in the moment.

The Dark Days – 4 months ago

I’ve been looking for a new ministry position for over six months. I left the church and have been without income for almost three months; my savings will run out soon. I’ve played back the last church situation in my head hundreds of times. Seems it “wasn’t a good fit”—which was true in some ways. At the end, my senior pastor told me I didn’t fit in well with the church culture—and I agreed, since it seems to be characterized by material affluence that’s led to an attitude of entitlement.

I made mistakes and I could’ve done things better, but I didn’t do anything worthy of being asked to leave…er, excuse me…I “resigned”—of course, it was made clear to me that it’d be easier to provide some severance if I agreed my departure was 100% mutual.

There were no moral issues, my behavior was above reproach, and I was told that I’d left with grace. (Does telling this story—albeit true—still qualify me for leaving with grace?)

I believe there’s a plan for me, but I just wish God didn’t have to use these kinds of people to accomplish it.

The Darkest Night

I’ve never really considered abandoning youth ministry until tonight. I looked at my wife and told her, “If this church that we’re talking to doesn’t work out, I’ll leave youth ministry. I’ll leave any sort of ministry.”

I’m tired of my wife being hurt by promises that are broken by church leaders. I’m tired of telling my daughters, “It’ll be okay, maybe this next church is where Jesus wants us to be,” and “No honey, we’re not poor yet. Don’t worry about those kinds of things.” But most of all, I’m tired of being treated like a corporate employee who’s simply there to do the bidding of the higher ups.

This whole experience makes me just want to find a job to pay the bills, focus on loving my family, and go hide in a church rather than serve in one. Then fear kicks in as I wonder who would hire a 35-year-old former youth pastor with no “real world” experience. I still, and always will, love the church; though some churches really tick me off with how they treat people, especially youth workers.

Don’t get me wrong. Some youth workers should be fired. Heck, some of us never should have become full-time youth workers in the first place! But right now, it feels like there are a lot more of us out there who should be treated better than we are.

I’ve had over 20 phone interviews with different churches, and yet not one place has worked out. Four have been very close. One even said, “We can have you here in two weeks,” and then the next day called and said, “We’re sorry; we think we rushed the process.”

Maybe God is telling me that I should get out of ministry or maybe that I should wait. I’m not sure what the answer is, and I’m not sure, at this moment, what I want the answer to be. My theology tells me that God is in control and in the end it’ll all be okay—but right now I don’t want to hear it, and frankly I’m not sure if I believe it.

The Rest of the Story

It seems that my camping permit to the valley of the shadow of death was a temporary one. It was so dark on some days that I joked with my wife that if it got much worse I was going to take my daughters’ Bibles and pitch them, saying, “You won’t need those.” I didn’t really want to, but that’s how low I was feeling—wow!

As I reviewed what I wrote four months ago as a cathartic exercise at my lowest point in the search process, it’s still hard to relive or even recall the extent of the pain I was experiencing.
After interacting with over 40 churches in response to my resume, I’m currently a volunteer youth pastor while working a full-time job somewhere else. Lots of stuff about this church excites me, especially the leadership. They’re all on the same page, and they know where they’re going. And they’re hoping by faith and proper planning to hire me full-time in another 4-5 months.

Meanwhile, a church of 8,000 contacted me last week with the words, “You’re at the top of our list.” But the truth of the matter is that this church of 350 is such a great fit that I’d rather be here as a volunteer than pursuing that next step up the youth ministry success ladder.

Through this process I learned several things: to trust God more than my resume; that contentment comes from God’s plans, not mine: and that it’s okay to hurt when life’s circumstances go from bad to horrid. Most importantly, I learned that God really is in control, even when I think about pitching the kids’ Bibles.

Originally appeared in Youthworker Journal June/July 2005

When I began my first full-time youth ministry position, I had a utopian view of what it’d be like working in a church. I believed that since everyone loved Jesus it’d be an ideal work environment; I expected to hear “Kum-Bah-Yah” in the background as we closed our staff meetings. Reality hit me soon after the last book went from box to bookshelf.

A few years ago, Your Church magazine ran a series about “Forced Exits” (Mar/Apr 1996). They reported that almost one fourth of senior pastors had been fired, forced to resign, or pressured to resign. They also discovered that 91 percent of senior pastors knew three to four pastors who’d been forced to exit. I personally know four youth pastors who’ve lost their jobs this past year.

Bob Long, the national youth ministry director of the Baptist General Conference, shared this: “A high dose of cynicism is sadly normal in veteran youth pastors as a result of seeing the church in action over the years.” I wanted to hold on to my naivety and deny what he observed, but I knew it was true.

My cynicism began when my friend Steve had been at his church around 18 months. I called to check up on him and the secretary told me, “He’s no longer employed here.” I called him and found out that during a special Elders’ meeting, he was told that the present situation wasn’t a good fit. He walked out with a two-week severance check in hand; 18 months of ministry was over in a little more than 18 minutes. He and his family were devastated.

I realized early on that despite being God’s institution and God’s people, the local church is still imperfect, like me. Its imperfections and mistakes are like a minor headache—you can just ignore it or take something to ease the symptoms. Unfortunately, deeper pain often hits us and sadly, that pain can be caused by “friendly fire” from people in the church. This deeper pain is like an incapacitating migraine, requiring a stronger prescription painkiller.

Over the Counter Painkillers
Here are some over-the-counter painkillers I discovered as I was going through my own difficult situations, and some stronger prescription strength remedies for those particularly painful days. These observations have given me comfort as I try to make sense of the chaotic church world around me.

Painkiller #1 What Doesn’t Kill You, Doesn’t Kill You

God can work through people in your life for your own growth, even those people who seem intent on making your life hell. Their actions or attitudes may be wrong, but you can still respond in a loving way. Learn to thank God for your “thorns in the flesh” (or not least not complain too much about them) and remember that God’s grace is sufficient for you. (2 Corinthians 12:7-9)

Painkiller #2 Where Two or Three Come Together, There Will Be Conflict

To condense Ken Sande’s wisdom from The Peacemaker, we have three options when dealing with conflict: we can attack it, fix it, or escape it. Although attacking and escaping conflict are popular choices, we must try to fix the conflict. It doesn’t always work, but it’s always worth trying. Learn the principles of resolving conflict and know when you need to seek outside help in fixing the conflict.

Painkiller #3  Expectations Determine Your Experience

I had a meeting scheduled at my last church with one of the church leaders. He showed up on time and we started with small talk. We transitioned into “issues” a few minutes into our discussion and attendance came up.

He said, “Len, we need to get 200 students on Sunday.”

“Why 200?” I asked.

“Because University Bible Church has 200 students in their youth ministry, and we’re a better church than they are.”

Even though our attendance was quite a bit less than the other church and even though we’d been averaging 130 to 160 in Sunday school with probably around 200 students are active in our youth ministry, the expectation was 200 kids every Sunday.

If I’d known what they expected from the start, I would’ve at least known what to aim for. Or, if I’d known their expectations, I might have looked for another church to serve.

Prescription Painkillers
The prescription painkillers that have been given to all of us come from God. These are the truths I clung to as I went through my darkest moments.

Painkiller #1  Prayer

There are some verses in the Bible that I don’t like because they convict me. One verse that bothers me is “pray for those who abuse you.” (Luke 6:28) I want to do exegetical gymnastics to rationalize how that’s merely a suggestion and not a command. While going through my trials I finally decided to be obedient regarding this verse and began praying for those with whom I was in conflict. After about two weeks, my attitude changed. My anger left and I began to love them in a way that I wouldn’t have been able to naturally. Through that process I experienced what is meant by “Prayer is meant to change you, not to change your circumstances.”

Painkiller #2  Forgiveness

Sometimes we are wronged, but we must forgive. In my head I know that I’m supposed to forgive someone seventy times seven (Matthew 18:22), but it seems the hardest time is the first. Forgiveness is not a feeling; it’s not forgetting or excusing. Rather it’s an intentional decision to walk in obedience. It can be difficult and at times seem impossible, but it’s necessary to heal.

In an article for Leadership Journal, Gary Preston writes, “James Broderick once said of Pope Paul IV: ‘He never forgot such offenses, which was one of his fundamental weaknesses. He might bury the hatchet for a time, but he gave the impression of always carefully marking the spot.’”
We don’t want to mark the spot. We’re told to forgive the person who offends us and repents (Luke 17:3-4) and the person who offends us and fails to repent (Mark 11:25). There’s no loophole; we need to begin the forgiveness process today.

Painkiller #3  Love

I learned to really love the local church through my last church experience with conflict. It was painful, and I’d hate to relive it; but God used it to change me. I learned to love not just the universal church but my local church as well, simply because it was part of the Body of Christ. I now love the church the same way I love my wife—unconditionally. This kind of love is partially by choice, but I’m also compelled to it. I have to love, because if I didn’t I’d be incomplete, and that applies to both my wife and the church.

David Hansen, in his book The Power of Loving Your Church, captured this committal kind of love when he wrote, “To be a pastor is to be one, among others, who chooses to make the sacrifice of love even when others won’t. That means, in brutal terms, giving your life away to a community of people who, for the most part, are not going to give it back.”

Painkiller #4  Shall We Accept Good from God, and Not Trouble?

Job’s wife told him, “Curse God, and die.” and Job responded with, “Shall we receive the good at the hand of God, and not receive the bad?” (Job 2:8-10) It’s tempting at times to take the advice of Job’s wife. While we might not curse God, we would pray, “I’m one of your servants, why are you doing this to me?” or “Why aren’t you taking care of me?” and all other forms of “pity party” prayers.

In The Problem of Pain, C.S. Lewis wrote, “God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” Through the pain in our lives, we learn to rest in God and nothing else.

I wouldn’t want to relive my six months in between youth ministries for anything. I hated making less than half of my former salary at a temp job. I hated not knowing what was going to happen. I hated not serving in a local church. I hated feeling let down by people I trusted.

However, I loved the desperation I felt to remain close to God through my valley of darkness. In the darkness that was all I had; yet it was enough, and in God there was healing.

Originally appeared in Youthworker Journal June/July 2003

I am in Dallas for Refuge, a free retreat for youth workers.  I am here to connect with other youth workers.  Pray that I will be encouraged and refreshed personally as we begin our second year working for the National Network of Youth Ministries.

Next month I will share highlights of the first year.

We are looking forward to being fully supported so a I can do this full time and help more youth workers and churches reach more students for Jesus.

Keep Lovin’ Jesus,

Len